The computer formerly known as "dramatic-exit" is back from the shop and ready to go. It did need a reinstall, but I can handle it. Thanks, Apple guys, for deciding that one for me, and thanks backup software for making this not a big deal.
I did change its name, though. I'm now calling it "daring-enterprise". In my head, its full name is "daring-enterprise-that-does-not-end-in-flames".
Now, back to setting this thing up!